Planning your own funeral in one weekend, step by step

Most funeral planning happens in the worst possible conditions: a grieving family, a few days, a funeral home's arrangement room and a price list that nobody has seen before. A weekend of calm planning by the person whose funeral it will be removes almost all of that pressure. It does not require a funeral home visit on the first day, a large payment or any sales conversation. It requires a notebook, a telephone and about two days.

This plan splits the work into a Saturday of decisions and a Sunday of logistics. Nothing here is legal advice, and the rules on who may direct a burial, what a will can do and how prepaid plans are protected vary by state. Where that matters, the text says so and names who to ask.

Before you start

Gather three things: a notebook or a document you can print, the names and phone numbers of the people you would trust with your wishes, and a rough idea of your budget. If you have a life insurance policy, bring it, or at least its insurer's name and policy number. Check also whether you already own a prepaid plan; many people forget that they bought one years ago.

A tip for the whole weekend: write down your reasons, not just your choices. "Cremation, because my family has no family plot and I do not want anyone to maintain a grave" is more useful to a grieving daughter than "cremation." Reasons give people room to adapt when something does not go as planned.

Saturday morning: the big decisions

1. Choose the disposition

Disposition is the legal term for what happens to the body. The common choices:

• Burial in a cemetery, in a casket, often with an outer burial container or vault if the cemetery requires one.
• Cremation, followed by a niche, a scattering where allowed, burial of the ashes or keeping them at home.
• Donation of the body to a medical school or program, which usually must be arranged in advance. Programs have their own acceptance rules and may decline a body, so name a backup.
• Green or natural burial, offered in some places.

Cost is one factor and meaning is another. The National Funeral Directors Association's 2023 General Price List Study found a median of $8,300 for a funeral with viewing and burial and $6,280 for a funeral with viewing and cremation, excluding cemetery plots, vaults, monuments and flowers (what a funeral costs and how families pay for it). Direct cremation, which skips the viewing and ceremony, is the lowest-cost option offered by most funeral homes. Choose what you actually want and then see what it costs.

2. Choose the kind of service

Separate the disposition from the gathering. Many people now hold a memorial service weeks after a cremation or burial, which also lets the family travel and plan. Decide:

• whether you want a viewing or visitation, which usually calls for embalming or refrigeration;
• whether you want a service at a funeral home, a house of worship or elsewhere;
• what readings, music or speakers you would like, and whether a religious leader or a friend should lead;
• whether you would like donations to a charity in lieu of flowers.

If you write nothing else down, write this: "I want a small gathering, not a large one," or the opposite. It saves your family from guessing.

3. Decide who will be in charge

Someone will have to make the decisions you cannot make then. Two roles are worth separating:

• The person who directs the arrangements. State law sets who has the legal right to control disposition, usually in an order that starts with a person you have designated in writing, if your state recognizes such a document, and otherwise a spouse, adult children and other relatives. The order and the form of the document vary by state; ask an estate attorney or the funeral home what your state requires.
• The executor of your estate, who handles the money and property (executor). This may be the same person, but it does not have to be.

Choose people who are willing, local if possible and likely to outlive you, and ask them before naming them. Name a backup. If you want someone other than the default relative to be in charge, for example a friend instead of an estranged sibling, that is exactly the situation in which a written designation matters.

Saturday afternoon: write it down

4. Draft a one-page statement of wishes

Write a plain page that covers:

1. Your full legal name, date of birth and the names of your parents (these appear on the death certificate).
2. Disposition and any specifics: the cemetery and plot, if you own one; whether ashes are to be scattered, buried or kept.
3. The kind of service, location, and whether open or closed casket.
4. Music, readings and who you would like to speak.
5. Who you want in charge, and a backup.
6. Any religious or cultural requirements.
7. Where the money for it is coming from.
8. Your preferred funeral home, if you have one, and whether a prepaid plan exists.
9. Your obituary: a few lines you would like included.

Date and sign it. This is a statement of wishes, not necessarily a binding legal document in every state, so tell the person in charge and give them a copy, and ask your attorney whether your state has a specific form that makes it binding.

Do not put funeral wishes only in a will. A will is often not read until days or weeks after a death, by which time the funeral has usually taken place.

5. Gather the facts that the death certificate and the claims will need

A short sheet of vital facts saves your family a scramble. Include your Social Security number, birthplace, education and military service, where you worked, and the full names of your parents. A death certificate needs many of these. If you served in the military, your discharge papers (DD-214) are useful for veterans' burial benefits; the VA lists current benefits at va.gov/burials-memorials.

Sunday morning: price and compare

6. Get price lists, not packages

Call two or three funeral homes. The Federal Trade Commission's Funeral Rule gives you the right to price information by telephone without giving your name, a written General Price List to keep when you visit, and the right to buy only the items you want (what a funeral costs and how families pay for it). Ask each home for:

• the basic services fee, which is not optional;
• the price of direct cremation or immediate burial;
• the price of a viewing, a ceremony, transport and a hearse;
• casket and urn price lists;
• whether it accepts a casket or urn bought elsewhere (it must not charge a handling fee for one under the Rule).

Put the prices side by side. Say you get these hypothetical figures for a basic cremation with a short memorial service:

The totals are sums of the columns: $2,100 + $1,200 + $600 + $200 = $4,100; $1,900 + $900 + $500 + $150 = $3,450; $2,400 + $1,500 + $800 + $250 = $4,950. The gap between the lowest and highest is $4,950 - $3,450 = $1,500, for essentially the same service. That is the value of an afternoon on the phone. Prices are not displayed publicly in every place, which is why you ask.

Add costs from other sellers: the cemetery or niche, the opening and closing fee, a marker, flowers, a printed program, an obituary notice, catering and certified death certificates, which families usually need several of.

The funeral home may not be the only person to call. If you want burial, call the cemetery for plot and opening fees, and ask whether it requires an outer container. If you want donation, contact the program in advance.

A word about visiting: if you go in person, take someone with you, take the General Price List home and make no purchase that day. A funeral home that respects the process will let you.

7. Decide how it will be paid

Planning a funeral and paying for it are separate problems. Common ways to pay, with their trade-offs:

1. Savings in a payable-on-death account. Simple and flexible; the named person can claim it directly. Funds in a bank account of the person who died are often frozen until an estate is opened, so a payable-on-death designation matters.
2. A life insurance policy. The beneficiary can use the money for anything, but a claim takes time, and the funeral home may want payment sooner (how long life insurance takes to pay out). A small final expense policy is a way to fund this if you have no savings; its cost per $1,000 is high, so compare it to saving the same amount.
3. A preneed contract. You pay a funeral home in advance, directly or through an insurance policy assigned to the home. It locks in decisions and may lock in prices, but protection depends on state law and the contract's terms. Ask whether it is guaranteed, who holds the money, whether you can cancel or transfer it, and what happens if the funeral home closes (preneed funeral insurance and funeral contracts).
4. The estate. Funeral costs can generally be repaid from the estate, but whoever pays first may wait for reimbursement.
5. Government and veterans benefits. Social Security's lump-sum death payment is only $255, so do not count on it. Eligible veterans may qualify for burial benefits and a national cemetery plot.

Be especially careful with large prepayments. Preneed rules differ by state, and a salesperson who says the price will rise unless you sign today is giving a reason to slow down. If you may someday need Medicaid for long-term care, ask an elder law attorney how a prepaid plan is treated in your state before buying; some states exempt irrevocable arrangements from the asset limit and some do not.

A hypothetical budget: using Home B's $3,450 and adding $900 for a cemetery niche and marker, $300 for certified death certificates and an obituary, and $750 for a small reception, the total is $3,450 + $900 + $300 + $750 = $5,400. If the planner has $2,000 in a payable-on-death account, $5,400 - $2,000 = $3,400 remains to be covered, by savings, an insurance policy or a prepaid plan. The final expense and funeral cost calculator lets you run the same sum with your own figures.

Sunday afternoon: make it findable

8. Tell the people who need to know

A plan nobody knows about is not a plan. Tell the person in charge, your backup, your executor and your closest family where the papers are. You do not have to share every number; you do share where to look. Give them the funeral home's name if you chose one, and say whether a prepaid contract exists, so the family does not pay twice.

9. Store the papers where the family can reach them quickly

Make copies of:

• the one-page statement of wishes;
• any prepaid funeral contract and the insurance policy that funds it, if any;
• life insurance policies, with the insurer's name, policy number and beneficiary;
• the sheet of vital facts;
• a list of accounts, a password-manager emergency contact or other access plan, and the names of your attorney and financial adviser.

Keep the originals in a place your family can open in the first days after a death. A fireproof box at home is easy to reach. A safe deposit box offers protection, but access after a death can require paperwork, so do not leave the only copy there. Give a copy to your attorney or the person in charge. where to keep your policy and who to tell about it discusses the options for life insurance papers in more detail.

10. Set a date to look at it again

Put a reminder on the calendar for a year from now. People move, relationships change and prices rise. The reminder is the moment to confirm that the beneficiary on a policy is still right, the prepaid funeral home still exists and the person in charge is still willing.

If your situation is not the usual one

The weekend plan assumes a person with family nearby and a few thousand dollars. Some situations need a variation:

• You have no close relatives. Name a friend, a faith community leader or a professional such as an attorney as the person in charge, put the designation in writing, and give them the papers. Without a named person, state law decides, and the result may not be anyone you would choose.
• Your family is divided. Be more specific, not less. If two relatives might disagree about cremation, write your choice and your reasons, and name the person who decides. A clear written designation, signed and witnessed in the form your state allows, is harder to dispute than a spoken preference.
• You live far from where you will be buried. Ask the funeral home about the cost of transporting a body, and consider whether cremation, which is easier to transport, fits your wishes. Moving a body across a long distance can add a significant amount to the bill.
• You are a veteran. Ask the VA about burial benefits and cemetery eligibility, and keep your discharge papers with the plan.
• You have religious requirements. Tell the funeral home at the first call. Some traditions require burial within a short time or limit embalming and cremation, and a home used to your tradition will know the customs.
• You expect to need Medicaid. Talk to an elder law attorney before you move any money into a prepaid plan or a policy.

Common ways a weekend plan goes wrong

• The plan lives only in a will. The funeral may come first.
• The money is tied up. The family has to pay out of pocket and wait.
• A prepaid plan was forgotten. The family buys a second funeral.
• The person named in charge was never asked. They decline, or do not know.
• The plan is so detailed that it cannot be followed. Prefer clear priorities over a long list of rules.

For a printed walk through the funeral home visit itself, see what to bring and ask on a funeral home visit, and for the budget side in more detail, a funeral budget worksheet you can fill in with local quotes.

Key takeaways

• Separate the decisions: disposition, kind of service, who is in charge, and how to pay. Take them in that order.
• Write a one-page statement of wishes with reasons, give copies to the person in charge, and do not rely on a will to carry it.
• Compare General Price Lists from at least three funeral homes; the same service can differ by more than a thousand dollars.
• Plan the payment separately and be wary of large prepayments; know who holds the money and whether you can cancel.
• Store the papers where family can reach them in the first days, and revisit the plan once a year.